Some days the pain’s tremendous
I’m scared the stress & sorrow’s endless
scared I’ll never find my independence
or I’ll never find a way to end the
addicted dreams and the devil deeds
and a mind that keeps dysfunctioning
never letting other options in…
not sure what god has planned for me
but I hope it’s more than this misery…
so much ambition
inspiration fills my head
but all gets funnelled
into anxiety instead…
an underlying sadness
a shadow filled with dread
creating misdeeds;
completely wasting energy…
my life is a hypocrisy
my life ain’t a democracy
it’s cra(c)y demo(n)s chasing me…
it’s others thoughts controlling me…
it’s an 8 of swords reality
and a desperate need for clarity
as a wounded soul mentality
continues to take the best of me…
You found it funny
but you made me cry,
another example
that you’re fucking blind.
Your desperate attempt
to keep things light
not realising that
you’re dead inside…
‘Cuz you can’t give out
what you can’t retain,
and joy, for you,
is an elusive game.
The sadness you bring
I can barely contain…
I pray and hope
for thing’s to change…⚓
I quickly learned hide myself
‘cuz I worried I was strange
so desperate to be loved and liked
it’s myself that I betrayed
now coming out of hiding
I feel rejection thru my veins
the way I think so “out there”
it’s hard to find those who relate…
Losing old friends rapidly
the loneliness now reigns
now I’m labelled “one of those”
fucking mental,
“wow, she’s changed”
I feel the animosity
my sensitivity inflamed
it makes me want to hide again
but now it’s far too late…
‘Cuz my spirituality, it’s pushing me
to be an open book for all to see
like Joan of Arc with bravery
but that little girl inside of me
she just wants a fucking family
who loves her unconditionally…
When depression comes
and fills your mind
when there isn’t a glimmer
of hope to find
when the winter draws in
and you’re lost within
I hope you’ll remember
this one thing:
Happiness and peace
are a part of you
depression is like
a mental flu
it takes you down
but you can always recover
you deserve the chance
to bring in the summer.
Ask and you shall receive…
After a rather trying January, I was literally crying out for understanding: “why have I been working so hard on myself and yet I feel the very worst I’ve felt in my life? I need answers, Universe!” I know the old adage: “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” but when you’re stuck in the darkness of your own mind, it’s hard to find anything but more darkness sometimes…
In Divine Perfect Timing (of course) I was gifted some cannabis and the fruition of a rather subconsciously honed tarot-reading ability. I had received 2 decks for Christmas, and after months of watching YouTube tarot-readings the skills seemed to embed, and my yearning to understand was granted an answer: sprawled in tarot cards across my bedroom floor. Here is what they showed me:
Justice (11) is overseeing your life. The Karma is ending XX (it was only ever karma, dear one). All that kept you locked up in the tower is coming crashing down. All the sadness and the burdens [under pressure]; the limitations and the boredom; all the apathy and the unsafety: just walk away: it is time to jump into the unknown. You are waking up and (learning to walk again) walking away from the cycles that have plagued you for eons. All the hostility you have held against your Self, your Brothers and your Sisters comes crashing down NOW>Hit The Wave< Release Judgement. Listen2Muse; ignite your passion; (I MAKE THE CHOICE ⚓ I Forgive ⚓ I Follow the path to my new beginning ⚓) Rewards are waiting for you on the other side.
Patience is essential on this journey. Slow and steady wins the race. You have chosen to transmute A LOT of karma, and this takes time. This snail’s pace is truly a blessing in disguise. Just keep following the numbers. Recognise you are just transmuting karma (YOU CAN DO NO WRONG⚓). Dive deep into the Self. Choose what you know is right for you, follow your passions; keep honing your craft (Clai)Rebel Girl, (AAGabrielle is with you), leave the pain of the past in the past(passed): SAIL ON, SO FREE…Let go of your stresses (you can do no wrong) and allow yourself to be a Master of your Mind. Don’t take no for an answer. Keep striving forward, no matter how long it tAKES…
(I release time, and I travel, so free…)
As you continue to establish your connection with your angels (expect miracles); as you continue to heal and evolve, you will become The Magician (I). Your Divine Feminine (Sacral) Center will be healed. You will heal lack, and you will abundantly have all that you need in the material world: I expect miracles when it comes to money, money, money 38331 ⚓ (I RELEASE LIMITATIONS: NOW GONE⚓).
⚓44.You are now fulfilling your Individual Soul Mission.33⚓
As you travel on the path of your Soul, A Divinely Guided Meeting and Significant Spiritual Experience (healing) will significantly activate both of your Crown and HEart Chakras, as well as WIPE OUT the heavy clouds of the mind. This new energy will be anch44red and (A LLOT OF) karma will be released.
Victory, Harmony and New Beginnings are assured, in a new (GROUNDED) spiritually-based future(the future’s coming for us now, in this house). Celebr4tion awaits you now.⚓
Further down the line, the stable Knight of Cups offering to The Empress will be made by the King of Cups counterpart. The layers will continue to shed as both counterparts activate and clear each other thru their life experience, and spiritual experience.
Inevitably, The Empress and The Emperor finally join-back-together in harmony⚓, fulfilling their mission together: their DIvine Destiny⚓: rockSTARseeds⚓.
Victory and Harmon(e)y is Assured.
I release time and I CLAIM what’s mine.
And so it is… ❤ ⚓
I need help.
I can’t see a way through.
Feeling the same old feelings,
that I always do…
Trying to create,
but keep falling on my face.
Jealousy and feeling empty,
distracting me from what I could be.
The past, it catches up with me:
a life of broken misery;
trying my best to transmute it,
but am I accidentally living it?
(And how do I know the difference?)
‘Cuz the feelings, they don’t go away,
although I tap and tap away;
I write and talk and smoke the reefer
that offers insight & brief relief, yeah.
But then, when I’m alone with Self,
it’s clear it SUCKS, my mental health.
Like a broken record, fear and shame,
it’s keeping me and my life the same..
You ARE supposed to transcend these dense energies (feelings); you MUST feel them before you can release them. One day at a time, you feel it all, until there is no more pain to be felt. Tap it out. LET IT GO. You are safe during this process.
The visions and intuitions you feel about yourself ARE TRUE. You are up-leveling in consciousness. This vision is where you are headed, but it’s just the beginning! You have an important mission and you WILL fulfill it. It is your destiny, dear one.
You are “fighting off the diseased programming of centuries,” ¹ of course it’s hard; of course it takes patience and time, and right now you are being MADE to TRUST and ACCEPT. The only other option is to wallow in the negativity. Heal all that brings you down, to the best of your ability at the time, and TRUST that all you ask for will be on the other side.
“It might seem like its all uphill
and you may be right
but at the top of this hill
everything’s lit with a new light.” ²
Never. Give. Up.
“You have to go through the worst of the worst so you can help others also in that desperate situation.” ³
Remember that.
—
¹ “Science” – System of a Down
² “Focus on Your Own Family” – Off With Their Heads
³ “Your Dreams Will Happen” – ClaiRebel Artistry
I’m not angry at the Universe
I’m angry at Myself
with all these visions
of who I’m to be
and yet I’m stuck
in the fear;
the sadness and the darkness
I can’t move forward
So frustrated
that what I do
is never enough
I give of myself
so damn much
but not much return
a surviving kind of life
I do it to myself
I’ve been blinded inside
clairebeldarkistry 