Awake//Asleep: a Poem

Some days I hate being awake
just alive to feel my soul ache…
surrounded by superficiality
an unawakened triviality
and it drives me fucking crazy!!!

I need more than just basic needs
that shit should be a given for everybody…
but it’s not what’s truly fulfilling
it’s that deep, authentic; thriving feeling
that magic & the artistry
and a life of poetic beauty
rather than just wishing & waiting
for the night to fall
so I could get back to sleep…

Communicative Confessions III

Just saying stuff to be right
or to make an interesting story time
and said with such conviction
it’s hard to tell the truth from fiction
(unless you can feel the energy
then it’s very fucking easy…)
yeah just being around him taught me
how to be very quick on my feet
to look in your eyes and lie easily
to bury the pain I was feeling
and use it to justify dubious dealings…

Yeah, it’s no wonder that I am now suffering
and many relationships collapsed catastrophically
‘cuz I was never living authentically
I’m sure that they all just got fed up with me…
and so life got extremely lonely
forced to go within;
to also disown the old me
yeah it’s been quite the interesting journey
to be a much better person, I have been learning 🖤💙

Communicative Confessions II

(written in 2018)

I find it hard to forgive myself
honestly, I can’t live with myself
‘cuz of all the things I said or did
that hurt or even discomforted

it feels like a dagger in the heart
from all this shame, I struggle to depart
deep rooted dread in my stomach
it swallows me whole in this moment

‘cuz I’ve been known to run my mouth
without thinking what I’m talking about
nervously just saying things
not caring of the hurt it brings

or sometimes trying to relate
to make you feel more comfort, safe
but instead just making things worse
offending you, diminished worth

and sometimes to save face, shamefully
I’ve been known to choose words carefully
to influence what you think of me
even if it would hurt somebody…

and to top it off, giving advice
even when you’d never asked for mine
acting like I know best all the time
that’s seriously out of fucking line!

It feels like a communicative curse
where I make me and others feel worse
I hold out hope authenticity
will be the catalyst to set me free

as well as these here confessions
revealed in the hope I learn the lessons
that means I can move past this
to speak with more sensitiveness
and to spark mine and your forgiveness
maybe with time, I will find this…

Communicative Confessions I

I get it now, I just don’t deserve it…
(the blessings, peace, fulfilment; all of it)
as who I was, she was far from perfect
manipulating and grossly self-serving
all learned traits, but I’m not excusing
only out for fun; needing all attention
and needing to prove that I’m better than “you”
‘cuz I knew deep down this just wasn’t true…
so I drowned myself in drugs & booze
and projected a self that seemed care-free
but my thoughts completely contradicting
as I was constantly analysing & concocting
h9w I could make it all about me
how I could direct all the love toward me
how I could feel accepted and worthy
even if it meant lying continually
(yeah, of him, I was a carbon fucking copy)
and that’s why my current life is mostly suffering
this is the karmic justice…
now all I can do is ask forgiveness
and do my best to not be anything like this
by confessing out and repenting
by keeping my vow to change things
whatever it takes, to live and speak
with humble, loving integrity 🖤💙⚓

Parents: 2 Poems

shoutout to
Yungblud:
Parents
🎶🖤🎶
ty

Mercury in Aries: a Poem

I’ve fucked up so many times…
speaking like I’m fucking blind
not thinking before
my voice reverberates
around the floor
foot in my mouth
stunned or awkward glances
bandied about…

that mercury in aries…
it can be tricky
whether it’s something good said impulsively…
it’s 50/50
(or hopefully more like 80/20…)

yeah sometimes I know I go too far…
yet hopefully, mostly, I’m just seen as a knob’ead or a smart arse 🌟
not someone vicious
or totally careless
but someone with a good heart
though not always the most
graciously articulate…

but if you stick with me,
you might get some unique musings
and some slightly weird poetry
I’ll do my very best
to be entertaining
and real and fun-sustaining
trying to use my mind & voice wisely
so you can see the very best of me 🌟