As the months have passed
as this new chapter has played
I find myself caught up,
unmotivated, plagued...
where the hell's that light
from another sunny day?
This rain won't stop drenching me...
I struggle to find peace
in anything anymore.
It all just feels a challenge
that I just don't have the energy for...
My average life swells
and optimistic dreams
get lost in hell...
I can no longer see my former self
but who writes before you today?
She's unknown as well...
All the numbers…
the synchronicity thunders
while the depression rages inside of me…
a life of woeful intensity–
dread, emptiness, anxiety
my life has completely transformed
but still I’m stuck in struggle, forlorn
what the fuck is it going to take
for this not to be my life every day?
Am I just too ambitious
for my own good?
too much desire
no energy to follow through
and I honestly don’t know
what more I can do…
“think better thoughts”
“trust that there’s a plan for you”
but with another decade passed–
what’s really true?
I’m scared of being heard
of being seen
of doing the wrong things
I’m scared of the pain
of the constant fucking heartache
scared of my over-sensitivity…
I’m scared of feeling forever alone
of never truly being seen
(yeah I know, I’m contradicting…)
or known
I’m scared I’m trapped within their home
I’m scared of the time it takes to grow
and what horrible shit
I’m gonna have to go through…
I’m scared of my potential
and how I’ll live up to it
I’m scared I’m not talented
or special enough to do this
despite all the dreams & musings
a part of me just feels foolish
I’m scared it’s all just so amusing
to God or whatever is overseeing
that a fucked up girl like me
thinks they could ever have
a successful life in artistry…
~~~
watch my spoken word version of this poem
on YouTube: https://youtu.be/i4u4JYSA_0g
It’s like I’m in a prison
and they are the guards
fear racing thru each of our hearts
silently watchful or totally neglectful
either way, it’s totally not fucking helpful
need to escape
but no opportunities come my way
stuck in all this ancestoral pain
just praying for the light
to shine on me one day … ☀️
But I also feel guilty
spewing all this negativity
but the life I’ve had
it’s been very damaging
with the way you chose
to handle and manage me
I need acknowledgement
and I need my sanity;
I need a new path
to be laid out in front of me
just praying again
for fortune
to favour honesty
The confusion & uncertainty
the things that bring you to your knees
when we’re clueless of the ends we seek
when we feel our joy’s just out of reach…
it’s all a part of it
when we finally see what we can change
find optimism for better days
and then the worst thing ever comes our way…
and it’s hard to find that light again
it’s all a part of it
when we fail & faulter so many times
when we go back on our most encouraging rhymes
and we can’t find anything new to write…
it’s all a part of it
and when we’re finally nearing the goals end
and we find ourselves in doubt again
and still, your wildest dreams come crashing in…
you’ve fucking earned it💪
and it’s all been a part of it💖
Some days I hate being awake
just alive to feel my soul ache…
surrounded by superficiality
an unawakened triviality
and it drives me fucking crazy!!!
I need more than just basic needs
that shit should be a given for everybody…
but it’s not what’s truly fulfilling
it’s that deep, authentic; thriving feeling
that magic & the artistry
and a life of poetic beauty
rather than just wishing & waiting
for the night to fall
so I could get back to sleep…
shoutout to
Yungblud:
Parents
🎶🖤🎶
ty
I’ve fucked up so many times…
speaking like I’m fucking blind
not thinking before
my voice reverberates
around the floor
foot in my mouth
stunned or awkward glances
bandied about…
that mercury in aries…
it can be tricky
whether it’s something good said impulsively…
it’s 50/50
(or hopefully more like 80/20…)
yeah sometimes I know I go too far…
yet hopefully, mostly, I’m just seen as a knob’ead or a smart arse 🌟
not someone vicious
or totally careless
but someone with a good heart
though not always the most
graciously articulate…
but if you stick with me,
you might get some unique musings
and some slightly weird poetry
I’ll do my very best
to be entertaining
and real and fun-sustaining
trying to use my mind & voice wisely
so you can see the very best of me 🌟
when I speak my truth
I’m terrified of your view…
over analysis of what was said
did I make you mad, upset?
will we ever talk again?
tempting just to keep the peace
but something rages inside of me
the truth suppressed keeps building;
my expressive soul keeps spilling
this natural born communicator,
she needs to be singing…
Some days the pain’s tremendous
I’m scared the stress & sorrow’s endless
scared I’ll never find my independence
or I’ll never find a way to end the
addicted dreams and the devil deeds
and a mind that keeps dysfunctioning
never letting other options in…
not sure what god has planned for me
but I hope it’s more than this misery…
clairebeldarkistry 